Beyond the Article - Why Are We Silent about Military Spouse Substance Abuse?

(Expanded Article)

In 2023, the Surgeon General of the United States said that loneliness is more deadly than smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Given the deployments, long work hours and other demands of uniformed life, military spouses may be more at risk for developing dangerous coping mechanisms than the average American.

But many do not ask for help because they don't know they have a problem.

When we think about substance abuse and the military, we typically think about service members and veterans with stories that end with a dishonorable discharge or homelessness. But that's only one side of the story.

"From the outside perspective, things looked fine," said Liv, a Coast Guard spouse of 15 years who has no family history of substance abuse. She shared that, growing up in the Northeast, drinking was as ubiquitous as eating processed food: not great for you, but an accepted -- if not embraced -- part of life. After she met and married her husband in 2009 at the height of the recession, military deployments, moves and kids slowly entered the equation. Liv found herself juggling more and more. And the more she juggled, the more she felt the need to decompress with a glass of wine at the end of each night.

Photo by Zachary Kadolph on Unsplash

Because Liv and others in this piece have not made their struggles public within their communities, Military.com has omitted last names to maintain their privacy.

To deal with these stressors, Liv spent time with other spouses, usually centered around alcohol. They vented to each other about military life, trying to find a release for their stress. But because their drinking was normalized, these subtle cries for help went unanswered.

"Your self-care goes down the hill, and you're looking for a cheap dopamine fix," Liv said. "And now all of a sudden, you're pouring mimosas on a Wednesday at 11 and then, before you know it, you're putting rum in your coffee in the morning. … It's easy to hide, and it's easy to pretend everything's OK because no one knows who you are."

As time went on, Liv's drinking and mental health became so entwined that she made a plan to end her life. In a drunken rant, she shared her plans with her husband, who was deployed at the time. He took action and ensured she was checked into a hospital immediately.

"Then all of a sudden, I have a psychiatrist. I have a medication plan. I've got doctor's appointments. I have a therapist. I have people asking how I am. I have regular check-ins with my doctors," said Liv. "You have to literally get to a point where you are ready to kill yourself before anybody listens."

If you are struggling with addiction there are resources available:

• Civilian Resources: Alcoholics Anonymous, SMART Recovery and the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline call center offers resources for those in crisis; Professional Substance Abuse Treatment Locator; Find a Therapist

• Military Resources: The Military Crisis Line offers help for potential alcohol or other substance use disorders; Military OneSource provides resources for individuals seeking assistance with their drinking; Military and Family Support Centers provide counseling to military personnel and their families.

• Family Resources: Information on How to Help a Family Member with Alcohol; Adult Children of Alcoholics; Al-Anon

• Learn More: The Four Stages of Alcoholism; Substance Use Assessment; 4 part series on alcoholism from InDependent; Research on Substance Use and Co-Occurring Mental Disorders

Go Beyond the Article

I wrote this article because I felt this article. COVID sent everyone home to deal with their lives behind close doors. We could not socialize or talk face-to-face with a counselor. We found our own ways to get by, to be a mom or dad who yells less. But those habits, if left unchecked can become destructive.

“There are a lot of myths about what alcoholism is,” said Evirs. “I think I believed a lot of those for a very long time, which kept me from getting help.”

But there is hope and military spouses like Evirs and Christina Kimbrough have solutions.

Become a paid subscriber to read the stories shared by military spouses that did not make it into the article…