Announcement & MDTC Summary - Resilience

Do military families WANT to be resilient?

When you are going through continual deployments, moves, health crises…I get caught in this loop and I don't feel resilient anymore.

- Military Dinner Table Conversation Participant

Announcement

I am very excited to share that I FINALLY finished writing my first book about the military community, coming in 2025. Resilience will be a featured chapter, inspired by this and other Conversations I have had with this community. It explores the idea that the military’s focus on resilience is not only not achieving its intended goals, but is doing more harm than good. Want to learn more? Stay connected to my Stubstack to get notifications about the book.

The Complex Reality of Resilience in the Military Community

In the military community, the word "resilience" has been reduced to a buzzword—or a badge of honor. But what happens when resilience, which is the skill of being able to bounce back after hardship feels less like a natural process and more like an expectation of being a part of the military community? As a military spouse, I’ve navigated the complexities of this term and found that it carries both weight and expectations. This idea first came to my attention after speaking to numerous military families with children enrolled in the DoD’s Exceptional Family Member Program (EFMP). Instead of being encouraged to recover from hardship, they felt their very real struggles were minimized by the word resilience, a word that they reached for but never felt as though they attained. 

This session of Military Dinner Table Conversations was focused at understanding how others within the community see resilience. Here are some of the themes that came out of this Conversation:

The Double-Edged Sword of Resilience

Resilience is celebrated in military circles as the ability to adapt, overcome and keep moving forward, regardless of the obstacles. It's about powering through challenges with unwavering strength. However, this expectation can sometimes become overwhelming. For military families, there’s no pause button—when orders come, we move. When our spouse deploys, we manage the Homefront. This unspoken expectation to always be resilient can feel suffocating, leaving little room for rest or personal reflection.

Expectations vs. Reality: A Cultural Imposition

The expectation of resilience is deeply ingrained in military culture. There’s an implicit understanding that to support our spouse’s mission, we must be strong and unyielding. This pressure isn't just something military spouses put on themselves—it’s institutional. But military families don’t see it that way.

Guest Corie Weathers describes this at length in her book Military Culture Shift and summarized it for the group:

“This relationship that we have with the institution which I describe in the book as a trauma bond,” said Weathers. “When you have an entity that you are in a relationship with, that is asking of you very difficult things, I use the metaphor in more toxic relationships when that person is dragging you through the desert and you are getting burned and you're scraped up and you are not doing well. And you're looking at this entity going stop dragging me through the desert, ‘I'm starving. I'm thirsty. I'm hungry. I am hurt. I'm wounded.’ And then that same entity gives you a glass of water. You both feel victimized, but that same entity is also your savior.”

The military asks military families to be resilient but is causing the need to be resilient without reducing the need for families to be resilient. But it is not just the military that asks service members and families to be resilient.

Military family members and units are also self-policing, encouraging resilience. But they do this as untrained, non-clinical individuals. And the moment the concept of resilience exits a clinical setting and enters the military culture it becomes less of a healthy skill and more of a weaponized expectation.

Resilience Messages as a Substitute for Programming/Effort

The military’s emphasis on resilience often feels disconnected from the real experiences of military families. One common frustration is the pressure to maintain a “shiny and happy” facade while dealing with personal and family challenges. This Conversation’s guest speaker, Corie Weathers shared that there is a historical basis for this observation.

“Service members are taught to not be vulnerable,” said Weathers. “We can trace that back decades, but this idea of not being vulnerable, to be strong, where does that come from? It comes from a lot of places, but it's us [avoiding] being vulnerable to our adversaries.”

This is a valid concern for the DoD and highlights one possible motivation for its emphasis on resilience. However, if programming and messages focus on resilience, families feel it does so at the expense of programming that would actually help them not NEED to be resilient in the first place.

The Positive Side of Resilience

Although I have not encountered many military spouses who like the way the military community uses the word resilience, they do recognize the benefits getting through hard times can bring. In that way, resilience can both be a source of pride and a heavy burden. 

One participant shared that in her experience, resilience is not just an individual trait but a collective one. In times of crisis, our community lifts us up and offers support. For her, this collective strength is what truly embodies resilience. By shifting our focus from individual endurance to community support, we can better navigate the challenges of military life.

However, true resilience isn't just about appearing strong—it's about acknowledging our need for support and finding ways to rebuild and move forward. Resilience includes embracing vulnerability and allowing ourselves the grace to be human.

Redefining Resilience: Moving Towards Genuine Support

One participant shared, “You just get it done. It doesn't matter what the other circumstances are. You're gonna get it done,” she shared. “It never has felt optional to me, like a thing I could not do…I couldn't say no, we're not moving in August. No, we are moving in August. They're telling us we're moving in August, right? So you just powered through no matter what else was going on.”

Military families can’t be expected to endure events that require resilience in a never-ending loop without respite. While some can find a break, often the break is provided by another military spouse who is also being stretched too thin. Resilience is not resilience if there is no time for families to recover.

To truly support military families, we need to shift the conversation around resilience. It's not just about enduring hardships but about thriving, growing and finding peace after the storm. We must create a community where vulnerability is welcomed and support is genuine. This means acknowledging the challenges of military life, offering real support and allowing space for recovery.

Practical Recommendations for Fostering True Resilience

1. Reframe Resilience Training: Incorporate recovery and rest as essential components of resilience. Focus on both endurance and meaningful recuperation.

2. Support Vulnerability: Create safe spaces within the military community where individuals can express their struggles without fear of judgment.

3. Revise Policies: Advocate for and enforce the policies that build balance, i.e. liberally approving service member leave to get mental health care and to take time to be with families to offer spouses a break. 

4. Stop the PR Campaign: Carefully consider the resilience messages that are used. Clinical resilience is lifesaving, but the stress caused by faked resilience can be life-threatening.

By addressing these issues, we can foster a more supportive environment that honors the true spirit of resilience—one that is grounded in strength, recovery and genuine well-being. 

Keep scrolling to read the data and watch the recording.

Join the September Conversation

Topic: Marriage Equality - How Supreme Court rulings impact military families

Date: September 17th

Session 1: 12 Noon EST (9 am PST)

Session 2: 8 PM EST (5 pm PST)

Guest: Cathy Marcello - Modern Military Association of America

Resources Shared During the Conversation

Articles on Resilience: Military Spouse Magazine & Military.com

Read Corie’s book Military Culture Shift

Learn about Toxic Positivity

Read the article: Positive Psychology Goes to War

Learn Why Taking Breaks Matters

Read about the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale

Read about what is known as The Military Welfare State (aka learn about the history of resilience programming)

Subscribe to Watch the Videos & Get the Data

Here is what the registered guests said when they were asked what they think of when they hear the word resilient:

• It makes me roll my eyes. 

• Tired 

• Strong and capable of recovering from a challenging time or situation, hopefully with personal growth.

• I think that it is used to dismiss our actual real experience and lives. It is an especially difficult word if your family's EFM.

• Overused, tired with hints of unrealistic expectations :)

• Do more with less, but instead of work resources emotional fatigue.

• You just get it done.

• Able to keep moving forward in a positive direction despite hardships and setbacks.

• Never Giving Up The Ship

• Dismissal.

• Oof. I mostly think of invisible carework and unpaid labor re: PCSing

• It’s been overused 

• Unpaid emotional labor

• Overused, tired with hints of high expectations. 

• People are resilient until they aren’t.

• I think it implies someone was born with the ability to bounce back quickly

• My ability to bounce back without support or appropriate rest. A pat on the back for being good at “sucking it up.”

• It's a cop-out word that tells me to suck it up because I'm "resilient".

• Needing to prioritize real self-care & advocate for my needs too in the midst of the challenges of military life